Some of you (but though probably not many) will know that I've suffered from depression at times. It has made it very difficult for me to do my job, to keep my home in order, even to have real conversations. Many important tasks seemed to require more energy than I had, and every setback left me feeling hopeless.

I have sought treatment on several occasions, with very limited results. Certainly I would get better eventually, but it was hard to tell whether this had anything to do with the medication or therapy I received. And even while I felt better, I still didn't feel particularly happy or hopeful except when going to my favourite social events like DebConf.

As I was recovering from the 'flu a weeks ago, I realised that I was feeling enthusiastic and energetic for no particular reason. Obviously I was recovering from physical illness, but that was brief. I had also just started a new project at work, but it isn't that exciting (at this stage) and I'm already aware of plenty of problems with it. So nothing external seemed to have changed to make me feel better, and yet my mood was so high that I worried that my illness could have changed to bipolar disorder and that I was entering a manic phase.

Thankfully, I'm not behaving manically. I have been doing a lot more shopping than usual, but almost the first purchase was a whiteboard to maintain the to-do list that I had been keeping rather unreliably in my head, and mostly I've been buying things off that list - that I've intended to get for months or years. It's just been so long since I could feel generally positive and optimistic about my life - outside of any special event - that I didn't immediately recognise this state of mind as normality.

It's now been two three weeks since my recovery, and I still feel so much better:

  • I'm bothered far less by discomforts like feeling a little cold or hungry. I used to become almost paralysed by this, while feeling too short of energy to fix myself some food.
  • Pleasure is more intense. Food tastes and smells wonderful. Music feels more immersive. Sex made me cry.
  • I can easily have normal conversations with people I know and people I don't. I'm having important conversations I had been putting off.
  • I'm also able to write personal things like this, that I've shied away from for years.
  • When I see minor problems with the flat, I either fix them straight away or put them on the whiteboard to be fixed soon.
  • I'm far more persistent. If I run into an obstacle I'll either try a different approach or add an item to the whiteboard for whatever tools or supplies I'm missing.

As I feel better in myself I also find myself less self-centred and more able to focus on other people's needs, particularly my wife Nattie. Frankly I've been an asshole pretty often while I was depressed, so I apologise to those who've been the brunt of that. I hope you'll find me more pleasant to deal with from now on.

There's lots more I could write, but I'll end this entry now and maybe say more at a later date.